I haven’t written for a while. I haven’t been well. I’m still not. But there are things that have happened over the last few weeks that have to be spoken about, because my head is bursting.
The first is family-Pooks-this is for you. We have had our differences-we have hurt each other over and over and for that I am sorry. The things you have suffered through so harshly have endeared me so much to you. I want you to be safe and never hurt. We may not be blood, but in my mind, we are. And even when you are happy, my door will always be open, and I will make you sweet tea and run you a bubble bath. I love you.
The second is someone that, when the world discovered our new found friendship, probably exploded a little and shifted off of its axis. At least I think that’s how some people felt. I understand that people may be wary of this friendship, people may think it’s nuts and could only lead to drama and hair pulling. But it’s nothing like that. Nearly three years of externally perpetuated feuding, having never met, and now we are friends. And we are more similar than I ever would have imagined. And no matter how twisted the idea of our friendship may be, it is what it is, and I’ve found someone I can vent to, who can vent to me and someone who I can just drink light wine with and bake cupcakes with 😉
My husband has been amazing. We have been through hell and back, and he has stuck with me. Through my illness, the misdiagnoses, the rages and the tantrums. He is the kindest, most patient person I know. He will not walk away and that shows me just how loved I am. For that I am forever grateful, and I know in my heart and soul, if we have survived this, we can survive anything. Fairy tales don’t exist. We’ll bicker, we’ll annoy the crap out of each other and we’ll disagree. But isn’t that the fun? Who on earth wants to date a carbon copy of themselves?
My son. I never knew that I was capable of feeling such love. He makes my heart burst with happiness and break with sadness at the fact that he will suffer his own heart breaks, failures, disappointments. And as I watch him grow, he becomes more beautiful with every passing day, it hurts because he is growing so fast. If I did one perfect thing in my life, he was it. I am so so proud.
The bad people:
One person in particular has had a hand in destroying a part of me in the last few weeks when I was most vulnerable. She is popular on social networks, plays a role and is the best actress I know. We used to be best friends. Why? I don’t know. She is nothing like me. She is the most manipulative, sharp tongued and cruel person who has ever come into my life. But I pity her, because I know that, at the end of the day, to be such a hateful person, she must be hurting very deeply on the inside. I will build myself back up, but I don’t think she will ever be fixed until she honestly faces herself. And I doubt she ever will. She hides behind an identity she has created for herself.
So much has happened. In the blink of an eye. I am hurting, hard. I am confused, and it feels like my life is a blur. But something tells me everything will be ok. It has to be. I have no choice. I have people who need me, and that means more to me than anything in this world.