Today I fell victim to a very vicious, very dangerous rumour. Dangerous in two ways. It put my family life in danger, and secondly left me wobbling on the tightrope which would result in me either falling apart and letting it win and consume me, or tightening my grip, harden myself and letting it go with my head held high.
The problem is that I normally fall off the rope into the danger zone. Why, when I know I’m innocent, do I explode and fall apart and get into such a state that only numbing myself up with medication can keep me from being destroyed by my own thoughts? I’ve started to realise that I get so hurt and overwhelmed because for me, what people think of me means so much. I hate thinking that I’m disliked. I hate the thought that people hate me to such an extent that they could say and do such nasty things, without considering the consequences. Things that so easily pass the lips without realising the sheer agony theycause. This has happened a lot in my past. Best friends, family members and so called enemies have all said things and discussed my flaws between each other and amongst each other.While I was pregnant, an ex friend of mine said things to others that still, to this day, haunt me. I have fallen victim to this too many times, and each time it happens, a piece of who I am is chipped away. I’m not going to shine my halo and sugar coat myself. I have also partaken in nastiness and bitchiness, and for that I am truly sorry. And with every piece of my being that gets chipped away, my conscience becomes more apparent because I know how much it hurts.
I know I am often seen as hot headed, aggressive and intimidating-but those who know me best, know how truly sensitive I am, and how strongly I take things to heart. I wish I didn’t care. But I think it’s just in my making. I am a social person, I trust too easily and try to look for the best in people, but this is a flaw rather than a strength. I have written a similar blog about caring too much and taking things too personally. I will however keep learning from this. Bitchiness and bullying doesn’t end in high school. In my opinion, it gets worse.
Moral of the story, keep your secrets and personal issues to yourself, be kind but trust only those who love you for all your flaws and chinks in your armour. Keep your head down. Don’t get involved. Even if it means losing friends, the ones that understand will be there in the end. Most of all, though…don’t do anything to anyone that you wouldn’t want done to yourself. This applies to me, and as much as I try not to get involved in he said, she said, it can so easily trap you. To all those people I have hurt in the past with all of these things I have mentioned, as unintentional as it may have been, I am sorry. And to all of those people who find it so easy to spit out words like acid-take note: you might just destroy someone who is already fighting a difficult life battle. Whatever it may be. Taste your words before you spit them out. I will do the same. And along with that, I will bury my head in the sand and hope that there are still some good people left.
I am going to bed with a sore heart tonight, but I will get through this.